Day 16121

Last day of the year. Time for dissection/break-down of the Status Quo

Under pressure to finish the year somehow „READY“ for the next. 
How and why? I don’t know. Its ridiculous as much as the belief that a collective countdown
would change anything and the strike of a clock at midnight entails new chances for all the high hopes to come true. And if there aren't high hopes, there's at least the wish for redemption, to resolve all the problems and forget the old burdens just after midnight. Of course it doesn't work like that. Irgendwas is ja imma.

As for my years conclusion...I guess I don't have one.

And what do I expect? I don't know.

I know the reality is rather unspectacular. Even the pandemic became a standard by now.

Somedays I wake up under the illusion that it matters what I do and I will become immensely successful doing what I do, which happens to be what I do constantly anyway: drowning in my own thoughts, wasting time, overthinking pointless mind shreds, contemplating options, avoiding decisions.

So, I’d basically get rich and famous for sitting in my own bubble.

On other days (most days) I feel totally redundant.

I realize not everybody is destined to be Bezos, Beyonce or one of the Beatles. I happen to be just an average female in her 40's, who didn’t sleep well, fighting the passing hours of yet another unspectacular year to end, torn between uselessness and usefulness, resignation and resistance. 

What do I do? What for? What is the intention of a blog, that nobody ever reads?

I don't know. I just know that stopping is not an option.
Somehow creating proof of my current thoughts is my only raison d'être.

In compiling lists, I find relief. It gives me something to cling to in doubt of productive existence and helps me at least to pretend to get something done.

So, next year I will: declutter, move, relocate, visit, learn, watch, own...

or I won’t.The earth will continue to spin, whether I do what I do or not. But everybody needs a raison d'être something or someone that makes him/her want to get up in the morning. And I don’t have a dog. 
So the result for now will just be another pointless post like my lame lists of „Things I did today“.