KW 08/23

Woke up feeling empty/ ready for retirement or both, with nothing to write about in this very moment. God knows why...I feel no resignation but no motivation either. No URGE, just VOID in immediacy. Don't feel funny/serious, calm/angry, fine/poor or anything in particular. Don't have a PLAN for the day, in fact...don't even have a "P"...
Still typing away though, as another week is approaching the end and as I made this vow to myself to show up here and digest my Reality Bites every week-end. "Don't break the chain!"...come what may. And if nothing comes up? Surely, I could just check my photo stream and select a random snippet (pizza pants, pigeon poems, pink p...) or a piece from one of my million notebooks, but the question remains of course: W-H-Y?

KW 07/23

O-MG, it is so liberating to have a blog that nobody ever reads! A place, where you can show up whatever you feel like, say whatever you want and nobody will judge you for it. In fact you won't be a target at all, as nobody knows that you even exist. It's like a secret chamber in no man's land. Invisible to anyone but me. The inscription on its front door reads: Relief yourself! Cry your heart out! Empty your soul...whenever you feel like it. It's fine. A bit like a constant therapist, who doesn't charge you.
So, after a long day up and about (coping with the demands of the environment); feeling totally blue and in desperate need of comfort... I come here. It really helps to visit this place. Having someone to talk to. Somebody, I can really trust... – I wish I had this space back in the 80's. I wouldn't have been anywhere else. Everyday (straight after school)

KW 06/23

Another week passed by, a week without financial PROFIT due to my reluctance to take on a proper job.

What the hell is my problem? Why do I avoid committing myself to anything? Why do I not look for a job? Something Hands-ON? SIgn a contract ...like the workers in the GigaFactory.

Instead I keep striving for a lifestyle like Carrie Bradshaw. How she's able to afford the rent for a spacious loft in Manhattan on a salary of a weekly columnist is unknown ...but she can -ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! and that's all that counts and all that's needed... besides a 40,000 dollars shoe collection, tons of time for friends and sexual escapades.
So with this aspirational character in mind I went out on an average Tuesday and spend my "savings for rainy days" on a Prada suit. Returning home I sat down comfortably on my plush sofa in my spacious single apartment, logging into my bank account.

And just like that…I couldn't help but wonder whether I am actually nothing more but a pathetic hypocrite, pretending to be adrift.
Maybe I should stop comparing my life to Disney characters and millionaires but then again: To hell with grim reality bites, I'm here for the sparks.

KW 05/23

Spent the whole week longing for solitude as I have never longed before, since graduation. I left my parental home immediately after being legally permitted to do so and the last days made me remember why. In hindsight I wonder whether I was actually conscious when I agreed to look after two infants in the suburbs of my hometown. In a nutshell: The entire week consisted of the opposite of self-care, which Google translates into „self-neglect“ turning a favor for others into a near-death experience for me.