KW 08/24

Belated entry...as I actually forgot about this blog and the fact that yet another week has passed, spending the weekend away from "home", concrete and loam.

KW 07/24

Ertrage keinen Tag länger in dieser Stadt. Primaten.Barbaren. Fremdscham. Polizisten mit Schlagstöcken an den S Bahnhöfen, die verzweifelt bemüht sind die Horden besoffener Fussballfans...marodierender Haufen Höhlenmenschen unter Kontrolle zu halten. Fussball ist nun mal nicht der Sport der Hirnchirurgen.

Der Schmutz, der Gestank, der Lärm widert mich an!
Diese Stadt, dieses Land ja vielleicht die(se) Ziviliation ist am Ende. Ich muss weg!
Weg! WEG finden!!! neue Bleibe in einem neuen Land. Am besten ab Sofort.

Wish I already knew...had a storyboard with timing..a timeframe I would just to act out.
No free fall..safety net...
Wish I knew... HOW to dissapear  

Wish I knew for certain...dass ich diese Stadt nur noch ein paar Monate ertragen muss... 

So what's the problem? What's ur plan?
WHEN will u leave? WHEN will it be? WHERE will u go? WHAT will u do?
Aha..and how do u plan on financing...r u not just idealising ur...do u really think that will make u happy...ier? WHY?

People pestering u with their questions...SHUT UP! Leave me alone! I know I gotta formulate a plot (to myself) but not for ur consumption!! 
I don't need another person doubting my souls URGE to fly. I am not here for ur entertainment..my life is not a Netflix special (yet) free for consumption, opinions, doubts and criticism (while secretly envying my "gut-potential") to at least continue the search for sth better...
I rather have them not care about me at all then to interfere with my dream...to silence my rebellious side..like putting a pillow over my head..   (why should I even share my vision?)
I can BE wherever I wanna be. 

Even if everything in life actually appears to be working out and there is reason to be joyful. this might not be the case inside.
My feelings and enthusiasm are not a stage play, acted out for others!

Still searching or LOST?!
Do u wanna Rehearse for another 46 years?
Or am I just using this term as a damn excuse for my laziness/ lack of courage not to move my ass? In the end it all comes down to the question: What do u do if in essence ur totally free to do anything? U don't need more words, more brain, more clothes, more...anything

U don't need permission of a respected university, art gallery or admired prof to CREATE. Also money is not the issue! Its just ur lame excuse cos u lack the guts to pursue ur dream. Ur not truly comitting to ur SELF. Clinging onto selected crumbs of...bits that need treatment...tidying, storage, that need to be purchased, sold, used up or thrown away... 
sitting in ur comfort zone, starring at the phantom of emptiness, while in fact U r free and could just GO. wherever u want...
U gotta do it! Can't continue living in theory. Laying out ur life, consuming ur little ideas of an ideal self, storyboarding episode after episode of a potential life in 8K ultra HD, Gotta let go. ACT!!! 

KW 06/24

 Je reste ici à moins que tu partes. Qu' est-ce que je dois faire pour que tu comprennes? Viens me voir avant que je parte. 

...

Je regrette qu'elle ne soit pas là. Mais...j'espère que tu vas bien.

KW 05/24

Und was hält DICH hier? fragt sie. Denke "Ja, WAS zum Teufel...?" und höre, wie ich wieder nach Ausreden ringe. Geld, Rückhalt, Familie, Umstände...in Wahrheit habe ich nicht die leiseste Ahnung, warum ich mich nicht bewege. Warum halte ich fest? Wovor habe ich Angst? What god damn "Unfinished business" do I have? Blöde Sissi auf der Erbse!

Im Hof auf einer Bank. Kalender im Regen. Aufweichen von Erinnerungen. In leuchtend blauen überdimensionierten Papp-Umschlägen stecken sie, wie Waisenkinder im Heim. Postwendend zurück. In halbtransparentes Sternenpapier geschlagene Fotokalender. Für _ und _, für _, für Granny ♥...

Trash Post. Confirm.